Making it as a comedian: Your six month checklist

Being a comedian is hard. Probably harder than being a brain surgeon. A brain surgeon has to operate on just one brain at a time with pointy tools, often with much blood. As a comedian, you have to interact with lots of people's brains all at once only using your words and with marginally less blood everywhere. You don't need to tell me who got the easy gig!

            What a hack.

However, unlike brain surgery or rocket science (substitute blood for oil/rocket fuel), comedy is a skill that can be picked up by anyone and mastered well within a year. If you've been gigging for the past while, here's your checklist for six months in comedy. Not ticked one of these off? Then you're not doing it right!

1. One Man Show

As discussed before, it's important to have a one man show under your belt. Most people think that this is an hour's worth of your own original and best material, presented in a cogent and coherent manner, perhaps with an underlying theme and with suitable closure for the audience.

In reality, there's many ways around this truck load of hard work. Get three of your friends to take part. Have two as ten minute support acts and the other as an MC. Roll out the same old material for the last 15-20 minutes, plus anything else off the top of your head and there you go! There's your hour show!

N.B. Remember to plug your show continuously for months on Facebook, to the point where it becomes some sort of visual background noise, always accompanying it with "Hurry! Just a few tickets left!" etc. In the few days leading up to it, give plenty of complimentary tickets out to your family and friends, then announce the show as "Sold Out". Don't forget to get your "journalist" mate to write a "review" dripping in nepotism for the local rag and reimburse him for it. About two pints should do it.

2. Gig Runner

Being on stage at other people's comedy nights isn't enough! You've been doing comedy for what seems like five minutes and lack enough usable material to comfortably fill an awkward silence in an elevator - it's time to expand your horizons! Seek out venues that don't have comedy on. Particularly venues that have zero interest in promoting it (this ensures you have full creative control of your night). Rooms with more twists and turns than an Agatha Christie novel along with plenty of pillars in the way of the stage are perfect. This means that the laughs will bounce around the room more than a traditionally shaped room, ensuring that people have an even better time than those comedy nights where people can see and hear the comedian clearly.

Once you set up one comedy night, set up another six. Ensure maximum success by purposely scheduling them to clash with other clubs, because as we all know, comedy's a big enough racket these days to intentionally split the laugh-hungry audience on a single night.

3. Comedy Crackerjack

Now that you have your comedy empire (which preferably uses your own face as the logo) you will need comedian minions to fill the line up each night. Already established comics in the circuit probably won't be too keen on performing at your nights due to extreme jealousy, so it's time to recruit and train up your own Gag Army.

Advertise free "How To Become a Comedian" classes, preferably to attract naive and impressionable people. Teach them everything you know about comedy. Later in the day, after lunch, put on a showcase gig in front of their friends and family. At the same time, plug your other gigs you have going on, placing most of your new comics in the line up. Bingo! You have full line ups and crowds packed with the newbie performers' friends and family who have been blackmailed into attending out of politeness. When the newbie performers no longer draw an easy crowd, get rid of them and recruit different comics. Repeat this process over and over when needed, right up until the comedy scene is watered down enough to flush right down the toilet.

There you are! If you haven't completed these steps in six months, unfortunately you won't become a fully-fledged comic. Not to worry though, you can still foist your borderline autistic slobberings into the comedy scene; submit badly-written comedy reviews to free magazines, record a four hour long "humour" podcast or write a blog on how to teach comedy.

Selling Yourself: Your Blurb

Your "blurb" is one of the key tools of attracting the audience and the attention of promoters. It is a piece of prose ranging from a few lines to 6+ paragraphs about you, your comedy and various quotes from summarily-written reviews or off-hand compliments given to you by an actual semi-professional comedian.

Shortly before the first ever blurb was written

Much like the ability to call yourself a fully-fledged comedian, there is no need to hesitate in coming up with your very own blurb - do it after your first gig. Hell, do it before your first gig: it's only going to be mostly lies and self-aggrandising speculation anyway.

It is important to use adjectives to describe yourself. The more fantastical the better. "brilliant" , "amazing" , "energetic" , "unrelenting" "comic presence", etc. There's no need to have referential evidence of any of these attributes; it's just to get the audience through the doors, money out of their pockets and attention for your own hungry ego. Remember, you're the show.

The use of clichés in blurbs is particularly common - "blew the roof off" , "leaves the audience wanting more" , "wowed the crowds" etc. It is an odd practice, as all the acts in one line-up can end up sounding exactly the same. It would almost suggest that the featured comics aren't as experienced and successful as one (or they) would assume. Luckily nobody questions this.

Sticking the name of a better or more well-known comedian in your blurb (without asking) is guaranteed to catch the eye of the average punter (and not irritate the other comedian you mentioned at all). Simply having shared the same stage as the well-known comedian throughout the course of one night, is enough to say you "supported" him or her. Incidentally, there's no need to actually go on directly before him/her or be asked specifically to support them (by say, their manager/agent), or even get paid for it. You supported them, and that's that!

Also, remember to ask the more successful comedian what they thought of your set (even if they didn't see it or pay attention to you, which is likely). If they said "I liked it" , "That was OK" , "Stop bothering me", feel free to translate that into whatever delusional persuasion you happen to be of. Something along the lines of "Excellent and unstoppable comedy steam train!" should do. Remember to attribute the particular quote to them all the time.

Always check if there is a reviewer in at the gigs you do. This can be a handy opportunity to get a quote to use for your blurb that may not be as devastatingly obvious that you wrote. The quality, circulation or notoriety of the publication they write for is irrelevant, so long as the review is positive. Ensure this by being overly friendly with the reviewer, buying them drinks, etc. Although research would suggest that reviews are merely the opinion of one person, and do not reflect the overall feeling. Make sure that the review corresponds with your overall feeling.

You are now ready to write your blurb! Some people may find it difficult to write about themselves, so an aid is provided below. This usually proves to be a good technique, so long as you are honest.

How To Be an MC

"MC" stands for "Master Comedian", he's the guy who holds together the evening, starts the show, ends the show and introduces the acts. Other duties may include:

• Deciding how much money an act gets paid at the end of the night, based on door takings/the personal relationship between them
• The running order of the evening, based on the acts style, content, length and the personal relationship between them
• Flashing the acts on stage to let them know they are going over their time/bombing on stage/making stage time for a comic friend of his who is not on the bill, yet will get more time than you

"Flashing" is a technique used by MCs to get acts off the stage by flashing a light from the back of the room or side of the stage. Unfortunately, much like the crime act of the same name, it's rarely executed with the intended subtlety, and also like the crime, its recipients usually experience anger, disgust and confusion upon its occurrence.

"Time's up"

TRIVIA - Famous MCs include Hammer, Donald and Fly.

Good MC

If you have worked your way up to MC status in a club, or started your own one and taken the role despite lack of stage presence or material, then there are a few things you need to know.

1. You are the show

Even with a comedy night with three acts on the bill, you are going to be up on stage at least four times (not including intervals). Use these spaces in-between acts to go through some of your material. If you have half an hour worth of material, break it down into chunks to slot around the acts. The resulting bite-size comedy will suit perfectly and not seem crowbarred in, it may even seem refreshing because in number 2...

2. Introductions

You are in direct competition with all the other acts on that night. Why give the other comics a leg up and run the risk of being forgotten as "that guy between the good comedians" at the end of the night? Pre-empt the acts by giving them a bad introduction. Some angles are:

• Getting their name wrong - This will initially throw the comic and force them to make a tough decision: Do they quickly attempt to correct you as soon as they get up on stage, potentially blowing their first gag in the process and generally ruining their flow? Or do they battle on anyway, under an incorrect name? 9 times out of 10 the comedian's ego cannot handle having the audience not know what their correct name is. If they question you afterwards, blow them off with a "poor handwriting/can't read well/got confused in the spotlight" excuse.

"Next up we have Frank Mahmmfppft!"

• Saying their catchphrase/punchline - This is especially devastating when this is used against a comic who has a tight routine with a great pay-off. If you blow the gag in their intro, then the end of their routine will go down like a lead balloon.

"And now please welcome to the stage Kevin "I've Got Three Nipples" Jones!"

• Their history - Mentioning a past endeavour or event of theirs that they had hoped the audience had long forgotten about is a great way to inspire instant hatred from the punters. A TV appearance, sexual inadequacy or a past unconvicted manslaughter charge is a great way to get the audience murmuring at the start of their set. The comic will then have to make the same decision made in point 2 as whether or not to explain or just continue on.

"Fresh from prison, please welcome Sean Miller!"

3. Outros

This is a good way to kick someone when they're down - if a comic did average to particularly awful, it can be quite effective to snigger/smile broadly/wink at the audience whenever you come back and take the microphone from them. Repeating a failed punchline of theirs will garner a good response from the audience. Remember to do something similar at the end of the night when you ask the audience to give a round of applause for the acts they've seen.


With these tips you will soon become the Master MC (Master Master Comedian)! Get online and start designing your t-shirts, coffee mugs and tote bags now! (order in bulk for reduced prices.)

Your First Performance - Part 1

You've got your first five minute spot on stage, you've got the killer material and now you're ready to hit the stage and become a comedy sensation. But wait, there's still some preparation to do!

Getting YOUR audience

Sure, the gig promoter may have done some advertising and generated a buzz for the evening through posters, the internet and ineffectual flyering twenty minutes before the gig, but who knows if that crowd will appreciate your comedy.

Encourage a group of friends and family to come to your gig. Not only does this guarantee a good amount of the crowd will be laughing at everything you say, regardless of quality, it also means you can utilise them in other ways for your own benefit.

1) Alcohol - Ensure your crowd has had a few beforehand, this helps them lose their inhibitions and increases rowdiness, which will come in helpful for the following tips. Suggest that the gig is a "pre-drink" event before you all go out to a greasy nightclub to celebrate your crippling success on stage earlier.

2) Silence/Talking - Depending on what sort of appropriately obnoxious friends you've dragged along, it's best to get them to ignore the other comedians. If they sit there in complete attentive silence, it may unnerve the performer and he'll leave the stage early. If the performer can hear a slight droning in the background due to your friends talking throughout his act, he may become irritated and shout at the audience. Both benefit you.

3) Heckling - If you can make the other acts look bad, then you'll come out on top. Advise your friends that comedians appreciate heckles and it helps them along with their act. Drunken, lonely women who don't go out very often tend to work best here. Sporadic, one-word insults shouted at the comedian in the middle of a joke are quite effective also.

4) Leaving - The best way a crowd can work is if you can engineer it so that they arrive in large numbers shortly before you go on and then immediately leave after you're finished. Not only does this guarantee to kill the atmosphere, it shreds the next comedian's performance while loud, drunken people chat, finish their drinks and scrape chairs around the floor while exiting.


Pull the above off and you'll have promoters and comedians clamouring around you, giving you stage time and buying you drinks! Congratulations! You've made it!

Writing Material - Your First Five

Now that you have a spot at a local comedy club, it's time to write five minutes of material for your debut.

The first thing to remember is that the audience are simple creatures; they can be loyal, they can be your best friends, and you want them to be eating out of your hand. Like most simple creatures, they aren't very intelligent. The main thing to remember when writing material is that the audience like familiarity and warmth.

"A wise man changes his mind, a fool never will."

The above is an old spanish proverb, which of course rings true - most of the world's best comedians are spanish after all.

While wanting to change the way people think and the world overall through your comedy may seem an attractive prospect down the line, it's best to simply give the audience what they want. If they know when the punchline is coming, then they'll know when to laugh. Audiences don't like being surprised by what may appear to be clever joke construction - it frightens and confuses them.

Social scientists such as Bill Hicks and George Carlin were known to occasionally tell jokes during their respective careers, but not even jokes could heal the planet or stop politicians being corrupt.

Or stop pancreatic cancer

Never try and tell them about something they haven't already heard. They aren't at a comedy club to learn or feel smart. They are there to laugh and escape their potentially depressing lives outside the walls of the club, much like you are there to take a cut of their money and escape your almost certainly depressing life outside the walls of the club.

Focus on commonly-held beliefs and stereotypes and exaggerate for effect. Writing actual material here is not a big issue. By merely talking in a silly voice while impersonating your chosen demographic will do the trick. If you are doing material about everyday occurrences, emphasise words at random in your set and remember to end most sentences with, "Am I right?!" or similar.

Example:

"Hey have you ever noticed that when people are in a bad mood they say they "got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning"? My problem isn't about getting out of the wrong side, it's more to do with stubbing my toe on the leg of the bed. What's that about?! They should make beds with no legs, am I right?!"

-howls of laughter and applause-

No-one's sure why audiences favour dull, day to day anecdotes, but science may suggest a lack of imagination is the cause.

Here's a handy checklist for some basics for your first five minutes. The more you have, the funnier you will be!

• Local references/sayings
• Mildly racist/homophobic/misogynistic gags offset by silly voice/mannerisms
• Swearing because you can
• Toilet humour (esp. stories about self-defecation)
• At least three references or mentions to your penis (even if you're a woman)

And remember, the definition of "routine" is:

"an unvarying or habitual method or procedure"

People who say it's because a comedian does the same set over and over again only know the half of it; it counts for a lot more, including content, gags and the amount of times you will be cashing cheques because of this advice! Am I right?!

Starting Stand Up Comedy - Finding Your Stage

Starting your career in comedy is an easy task. In order to become a "comedian", you must get some stage time; it doesn't matter where it is, or how little people there are in the audience. So long as you talk into a microphone in front of people for more than a minute and don't get booed off, then congratulations! You are a professional comedian! Feel free to introduce yourself as a "Joke Merchant" or sign cheques (and you will be signing a lot of cheques) as "Gagmeister General", and so on. Let's get started.

First you will have to find out if there are any comedy clubs in your city or area. Searching popular bars is a bad idea, as most people would prefer to talk over a mediocre musician or band than a comedian. This is good manners.

Seek out small back rooms in pubs and bars, ill-suited art spaces and conference rooms in the hotels of industrial districts. These are the real places where raw comedy talent is. Often due to the hardcore topics and controversial material, which is much less-suited to the popular clubs, there will most likely be a lack of audience members. Do not let this put you off. It's a widely believed fact that the more popular clubs (read: financially successful) are only popular because the comedians who get to play there in front of several hundred people and get paid for it due to their hard work are considered to be Sell Outs.

Within the stand-up comedy business, a "Sell Out" is someone considered to have betrayed the intrinsic ethos of comedy by

a) constructing jokes/material
b) researching their material for factual accuracy and to avoid potential plagiarism

c) affecting an appropriate stage presence to help boost the impact of said material

Other offences include such acts as rehearsing/practising material, occasional ad-libbing on stage, seeking out new audiences, rewriting bad material, affecting a positive attitude on stage and toward other comedians, keeping within the set time and making the audience laugh.

You don't want to go to one of those clubs when you are just starting your comedy career, lest you become a Sell Out. In the meantime do the smaller clubs to build up your experience, then change the system from the inside once you reach the bigger clubs. The smaller clubs are a goldmine for showbiz tips and tricks, as quite often the club runner has been in the business for many, many years. His success goes without saying as the club is still in business despite low audience turnout.

A good way to get some stage time with these smaller clubs is to send the runner an email. The less personal and friendly the better. Here is a basic template you can use for getting your first gig:


-

"Hi,


Five minutes at next gig?


Bye"

-

Being personable is not a trait club managers look for in new talent. This is especially obvious in the managers themselves. Being friendly to other comedians will only make you look suspicious and a potential Hack.

A Hack is someone who steals other comedians' jokes and material. For someone to be considered a Hack, they must talk about a subject that another comedian has knowingly spoke of in the past. 100%, word-for-word accuracy is not necessary to accuse someone of stealing material. Subjects that are definitely out include: air travel, the difference between men and women, mothers in law, etc.

You should receive a response and confirmation of your spot within a day to 12+ weeks.